告白した(の)? Kokuhaku shita (no)? Did you confess?
This line has nothing to do with priests, religion, or criminal courts. It is a question one Japanese friend might ask another, if they know that their friend (to whom they directed the question) is romantically interested in someone. In Japan, the kokuhaku is the dividing line between a platonic relationship and a romantic one. Although there are exceptions, this cultural rule is a guiding force behind romance and dating in Japanese society. It is another cultural keyword in the Anna-Wierzbicka (a leading scholar on cultural keywords) sense.
Although there are analogues for kokuhaku in East Asia (Korea and China have their versions of it), Japanese kokuhaku is probably unique in its prominence and ritualization. One need only watch Terrace House on Netflix to see how demarcated the act of kokuhaku is in Japanese society. The show is essentially built around that single moment—when one party (usually the guy), professes his feelings for the girl to the girl. What we may call a profession is more literally translated as a confession. The man (although sometimes woman) confesses his feelings. This is the climactic moment in Terrace House, and in Japanese courtship, it is the moment of make it or break it: will she be my girlfriend? Or will I be rejected?
When I first saw Terrace House, I couldn’t understand why two Japanese people would take so long to romantically engage with one another (be it holding hands or a kiss). Certainly, as a reality television show, other factors influence Terrace House, but one underlying principle is that of the kokuhaku. It would be considered shameful to engage in romantic activity without the official declaration—which in Japan comes in the form of the kokuhaku and the acceptance by the kokuhaku-ed party (she or he who has been confessed to).
付き合ってください
(tsukiatte-kudasai)
is the most cliché ending to a kokuhaku. It is the request, “please go out with me” or “date me,” which in Japanese is unambiguous. This means an official, exclusive, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, closest in meaning to the mid-20th century American expression “go steady with me.” Conservative Japanese values hold that nothing physical should transpire prior to the kokuhaku and acceptance of the request to “go steady.” A commitment must be established before physical romance begins, or it might be considered shameful—much like Americans label those who hook up too quickly as “sluts” or “fuckboys” and variations thereof. If you are a dignified Japanese woman or Japanese man, then you only take physical action after the kokuhaku has been passed. Of course, people are people, and exceptions to this abound.
So how does it go? Well, you profess (or confess) your feelings:
好きです。
(suki desu)
Followed by the aforementioned request:
付き合ってください。
And this is typically done in the more formal -masu / desu form.
This version of the kokuhaku is the standard, cliché version. It doesn’t always go that way though. In the 2016 season of Terrace House, one member of the house kokuhakus as follows:
みのりちゃんのことが本当に好きだし、もしよかったら一緒にそばにいて欲しいなって思ってる
Minori-chan no koto ga hontou ni suki da shi, moshi yokattara issho-ni soba ni ite hoshii-natte-omotteiru.
"I really like you, Minori-chan, and if it's alright with you, I would like to be by your side."
Or a bit more literally,
"I truly like Minori-chan, and if it's okay, I have been thinking that I want us to be together, to stay by each other's side."
The reason you need really and truly in both of these translations (as opposed to just “I like you”), is because 好きです in the context of a kokuhaku carries more weight than just an “I like you” in English. The Terrace House subtitlers struggled with this translation, choosing “I love you” in English, which comes across bizarre (even creepy) to Americans in this context. For Americans, “I love you,” is quite a heavy statement, and it comes only after months of serious dating. Most of us would be shocked to hear such a profession within just a few weeks of meeting someone and, most importantly, having never dated them in any serious capacity.
The route to kokuhaku is also fairly standard in Japanese society, and in this particular sense, mirrors Western dating. There is a first date, which might be more casual, less serious (although it could be dinner too). Then there is a second date, which might be more involved than the first—although it may be similar to the first. And, finally, there is the third date. The third date is typically nicer and classier, because on the third date, comes the kokuhaku.
In Western dating, the third date is the marker of something more. But it is no guarantee that you and your dating partner are an official couple. It is no guarantee that the boyfriend-girlfriend status has been ordained. In fact, the third date most often marks the transition from a light physical relationship to a heavy one—i.e. sex. That is when it is no longer shameful to “give it up”—to engage in sexual relations.
However, the dating may continue in a gray zone for many weeks or even months following that third date. Usually, it takes the what-are-we conversation to push one party into fully and explicitly committing to the other.
Then we have terms like “serious relationship,” “committed relationship,” “exclusive relationship,” and variations thereof. In Japanese, there isn’t a commonly used expression for “serious relationship.” There are related terms, but nothing quite like the English sense of “serious relationship” or “committed relationship” or “official relationship.” In Japan, due to kokuhaku culture, there isn’t such a need for these modifiers, because it is assumed that you are in an exclusive, committed, official relationship from the moment of acceptance of the kokuhaku. In fact, sometimes the kokuhaku itself is assumed, just based on the crossing of the relationship into the physical. Some Western men may get a bad rap for this—because they and their Japanese romantic partners are operating under two separate sets of cultural assumptions.
In the West, it is try before you buy. And in Japan, it is buy before you try. Sometimes this results in brief official relationships between Japanese people. A man will kokuhaku because he knows it holds the keys to the kingdom. Then, after getting what he wants, he’ll break up and move on to the next a short time after. People are people and nefariousness exists in all human societies.
But Japan is on average more conservative than most Western societies. Certainly more so than non-religious enclaves of American society.
At GoGen Languages, we consider culture just as important as grammar and vocabulary. In fact, you learn grammar and vocabulary much faster if you know relevant culture that connects to them. Textbooks and language schools are unlikely to touch one of the most important cultural keywords—the kokuhaku—in Japanese society. Once you understand the story behind the word, and the cultural importance of that word, then grammar flows naturally with it. Accompanying words are also easier to learn. In fact, just about anything associated with kokuhaku—male-female relations, romantic relations, perhaps ALL relations—will be easier to learn and retain.
The kokuhaku is an important part of our course Romance and Dating in Japanese. It’s an entire course that centers around something of immense interest to all people, but that you won’t find in textbooks and something that language schools and academic programs will avoid (as eagerly as a #metoo scandal).
How can one begin to understand a culture without understanding the fabric that binds human beings together in that culture? Romance and dating are that very binding material, which takes on a linguistic and cultural form.
Pre-order our Romance and Dating in Japanese course now to set yourself up with a powerful means to deepen your understanding and grasp of the Japanese language. Check out our other blog posts on cultural keywords too.
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